i give...

i was gonna try and sum up what happened since...3/4/10 in a separate post, but i spent a good part of my spring break in a comatose, consumption-like state. so ish is hazy.
i did get a new car and phone though.
well, the phone is new to me, but beggars can't be choosers.
and i'd rather carry around a ROTARY phone than that firefly.
and the car is a 2005 civic. so i upgraded.
this one is gold. how many gold civics have y'all seen?
hold on, i'll wait.
exactly.
they're all silver.
i can always find my car now.
deren has told me that it's name is giovanni. derek concurs.
but my mama says it's name is goldie, and it's a peeeeemp.
and she snaps her fingers in this jive kinda dance step thing when she says it.
and it's embarrassing.
and she does it in public.
often.
but this one has way more problems than mr. car ever did.
(the speakers are better, though.)
it had tire vibration, and the malfunction light came on, and the whole car started shaking, and i got out to tighten the gas cap, in front of the pitbull house--they have pitbulls, and they always out, and my fool tail parked right in front, and got out like i ain't know the deal...i heard barks, and i promise you i moved faster than marion jones back into the relative saftey of the car--but it still was acting up.
so i took it in.
*sigh*
but he's back now so yayyy...

okay.

i have not posted.

yes.

i know.

shut up.

i have a life too.

a lame life.

but a life nonetheless.

midterms were ehhh.

but it's spring break now!

so.

i got a lot to talk about.

i'ma break it down thusly.

today, i'ma tell y'all what my mama told me and my siblings the other day.

so. i'd set the scene, but i don't remember all the brackets and ish i used.

we're in the car, my mama's taking me to school.

so we're talking, and i had this sparkle eyeliner on. just 'cause i like the way my eyes look with it on, okay?

and errtime i wear it, it seems like i have a meeting after class, so my mama seems to think that i have someone i'm looking "good" for. yeah. right.

so the sunlight hits my eyes (i had been trying to hide my face for this very reason, you see.) and she says, "OHHHHHHHH, you got sparkles in yo eyessssssss!"

and my brother and sister chime in that i must be tryna look good for Jaquavion an' 'nem.

he's my imaginary boyfriend, apparently. yeah. i know how to pick 'em.

so they mocking me, and i'm praying that the forbidden one does not come up in conversation, 'cause deren was getting this crazy look in her eye, the one that let's me know i'm about to get mocked.

so i swiftly turn the conversation around to...DEREK.

you see, my brother has a fondness for hispanic girls.

he's also kinda...let me be nice...sensitive.

(a.k.a. A PUSSY.)

anyway, so we're talking about him now. my mama calls him a vato, et cetera.

he tries to turn back around to me.

i ain't having it.

i say "NAW, let's talk about deren!!!"

my mama says "yeah! you got a foul stank attitude!"

and i'm kinda angry, 'cause i want her to talk about deren and some people.

but deren--wisely--does not put her business out in the streets (and no, i'm not just saying this because she's watching me type). she really doesn't. it's downright upsetting.

so she turns it back to derek, and we talk about derek until i get out the car.

my mama lets this drop:

she would not be accepting of any body we dated outside of our race.

and i'm sure that a lot of black parents are this way. "if he can't use your comb, don't bring him home" and so on. and i understand that.

but...uh...it's 2010. and i don't know if the statistics have changed, but last time i heard, it was 1 black man for every 4 black women.

....

my math skills ain't that great, but uh.

that means i only have a 25% shot at a black guy.

and why am i going to stress somebody who knows that he can have his pick of women?

loose women too. i'ma bit of a freak, but i'm mostly a prude.

so while i want a strong black man, yeah, i'm not holding my breath. especially when men of other races are sexyyyyy...*cough ivan salazar please be my baby daddy pleeeeease cough*

but my mama said that when you deny your own race, you're denying your mother.

because if you're a black dude, dating a woman of another race, it's self-hatred.

i don't feel that way at all.

what if you're shallow like i am, and dating them because they're fiiiiiine? despite their color (or lack thereof)?

but then i got out running at the stop light--she ain't e'en stop the car, y'all...

filler

i got midterms.
i'm sorry.
i'ma post.
swear to god.
'cause there's a lot of stuff that went down in the past week or two that i got to bus' y'all over the head with.
but midterms first.
i've already failed one. and passed another with a B.
Five more to go.
pray for me.

my family is crazy

so i've been getting along better with my family nowadays. except deren. (she broke my phone. and that is keeping me from talking to my baby. she's not going to be easily forgiven.)
on monday, me and my mama went to whole foods. it was actually fun. we talked about a lot of stuff--how i'd have to con somebody into doing my hair, by calling them on the phone and not letting them see this whole bush baby effect i have going on; why our hands are always cold; the irony of my skinny jeans sagging...weight loss is nice, but dangit...my clothes don't fit...; and so on.
i love my mama. everyone used to say i looked like her (when my hair was straight) but now they say i look like my pater with her sense of humor.
yesterday, me and my pater had a conversation that did not involve one of the parties getting aggravated, irritated, or frustrated with the other. it was pretty amazing. i love my dad, but we don't communicate particularly well, dig?
derek and deren. ah. my siblings.
derek is just goofy per usual. and studying for medical terminology. the competition is at disney--land? world? whichever one's in florida. i can never remember. so deren and i are quizzing him, because i went to disneyland? world? orlando when i was little, and she hasn't been at all. my father doesn't want derek to fail, per se, but he doesn't want to spend eleventy-billion dollars to go to the knockoff disney park.
(my dad is from l.a. he feels strongly about cali. we weren't allowed to not like the lakers.)
and deren is apparently training to be a ufc fighter. WHY DOES SHE KICK SO HIGH?! i ain't but 5'2"! she nearly caught me in the lip!
and then we woulda fought forreal.
my lips are my money makers.
that and my thighs.
moving on.
i realize that i talk about deren a lot more than everyone else because a) she's my baby sister and also because b) she's stooooone cooooold craaaazy.
when i take abnormal psych next semester, for my case brief, i'm so doing her.
a hormonal, pubescent, bipolar sociopath? that's the stuff psychologists dream of late at night.
kids say the darnedest things, but she says insane things.
anyway.
this was a turrible post.
i'm not very funny today, am i?
i blame the pineapples.

gimme yo number, and i'll callllll...

well. no, i wouldn't. i
i'm not really the biggest fan of talking on the phone. unless it's late-night conversations where we're both tired but neither of us wants to hang up because we like talking to each other so much and we end up talking about either food or sex, or food and sex...ahem.
but yeah, i wouldn't call if you gave me your number.
not that i could anyway.
deren broke my phone.
i own get no upgrade until june, either.
-__-
it was already unhinged on one side, but it WORKED. now i'm like the rest of the peons and plebeians: phone-less and car-less.
it's a sad sad sad world.
and why, may you ask, did deren break it?
let me set the scene...
[open scene with deven reading in her bed.]
{door opens and slams.}
[deren storms past deven's room, deposits her backpack in her bedroom, backs up, takes a running jump into deven's room and lands on her bed.]
"heyyy, deven."
"hello, deren."
[deren makes a grab for the phone, laying beside deven on the bed. deven sees her devilish intent, and swiftly hides phone under thigh, effectively obliterating it from sight. because deven's thighs are disproportionate to her little body.]
"lemme see your phone."
[deren scrabbles for it under deven's thigh. deven unsuccessfully tries to press her thigh down, but deren succeeds in getting the phone.]
"gimme my phone, deren."
"why? i need it. and don't nobody call you no how. that's why you ain't go--"
"GIVE IT HITHER, HEIFER."
[deren and deven struggle for a moment. deven succeeds in pinning deren to the bed. this is harder than it sounds. though deren is naught but 98 lbs (7 stone) fully clothed, soaking wet, with pockets full of change, she is strong and wily. and taller than deven.]
{phone drops.}
[deren looks at the phone, and gets an overwhelming urge to take a niiice, long shower. deven sighs and picks the phone up. she notices that it comes apart in her hand. it's a flip phone that will never flip again.]
"DEREN...you killed it!! i own get no upgrade until juuuune!!!"
{maniacal laughter from the bathroom.}
[end scene.]

she lucky i love her and whatnot, or i woulda killed her in her sleep. i was expecting a call...

weekend adventures

so. big stuff popped off this weekend.
actually. no. no, it didn't. but i feel better saying that.
i am one of the few remaining recluses in this world. i like staying home. home is where the bed is. but i ventured out on saturday...to my paralegal class. intro to law, where the professor repeats errthing...ERRTHING...he says 3 times. it's kinda cute and kinda irritating. this is the self-same class where a kenyan guy came up to me and started talking to me in swahili. yeah. 'cause of my hair. when i gave him crazy eyes, he was like 'where are you from?' and i swiftly assured him i was from texas, and i was african-american as opposed to african-african. but yeah. i have a test due next week. i'ma fail.
so my friend (she's hispanic, and two years older than i am. she mothers me) called me on friday, and said her brother was taking classes at the same community college, and that we should hang out together. my other option was going home and going to bed (it was looking goooood), going with my family car-shopping (and my parents would be talking mess the entire time: 'yeah, we're looking for a car, 'cause she *points at me* wrecked hers.' no bueno) or hang out with my friend and go shopping.
i love my bed, but i also like to shop.
so she called me while i was waiting, and said, 'go mess wit the guy in the khaki jacket. that's my brother.'
so i go up, and i start with some mad corny line, 'i noticed you, noticing me, et cetera.'
whyyy did homie look me in my eyes all sad and confused and say "sum'n-sum'n-no entiendes ingles-sum'n-sum'n'?
you could've knocked me over wit a feather. i'm mad stuttering, tryna say sum'n in spanish. coming up wit nada. and then my friend pulls up, cackling.
so we go over her house, and they feed me chorizo con huevo y salchichas y tortillas. y un ojo? i don't know what it was but it was delicious.
and it was good.
and then we went to northpark.
northpark, for non-dallasites, is upscale. not quite the galleria, but far better than what i'm used to.
she was grumbling because she forgot her purse, and if you don't have a purse, the salespeople's eyes glide right over you. i noticed this especially, because i was the only black person rolling like 10 deep with a bunch of hispanic people. and i was talking mess the entire time.
we went in dillard's, and i swiftly got spritzed at the chanel counter. i love chance by chanel. if anyone ever wants to get in good with me, gimme some of that. i'll do (close) to whatever you want.
so we came back to her house, and they fed me pork chops (i don't know the spanish for what it was) con arroz y jugo de limon y pina. it was excellent. her grandmother was pleased with me for knowing spanish enough to make small talk. i got a hug.
then me and my friend sat in a hammock, ate chocolate chip cookies, and watched new jack city, while i explained the nuances of black culture as portrayed through film.
"you better sit your five dollar ass down before i make change..."
good times.
i got home at eleven. which is late for me.
we missed church in the morning. i felt a little bad, and then i turned over and went to sleep again.
the lord forgives.
my family established that a) i was a simpleton, and b) i cannot ever commit any kind of crime, because i would be caught almost immediately.
i have a refreshing--i think so, anyway--blend of naivety and worldliness that i attribute to my mixture of the king's english and ebonics. "my mama said speak like you got a college degree. see, i can, but i won't. plus i’m saying what i won’t, plus this slang that i speak don't change that i'm deep..." (j. cole is my new baby daddy.)
sooo, yeah. that was my weekend.
me and deren are going on the amazing race, by the way. look for us. we'll be the ones fighting the entire time.